Saturday, December 1, 2012

The Life of Ryan

I attended the funeral of an 18 year old yesterday.  He was a freshman at college and had been home for Thanksgiving.  He was killed in a tragic automobile accident when another forced him off the road and then kept on driving. That driver still hasn’t been found.  He left behind parents, siblings, grandparents and extended family.  Their grief is beyond comprehension.   And yet, I’ve never experienced such a beautiful combination of grief and sorrow with authentic praise and worship of God.  I felt as though I was standing on holy ground. 

You see, Ryan was Christian.  A Believer in Jesus Christ.  His parents were too, and they understand that even in the midst of terrible shock and grief God is with them.  God has a plan, even though they can’t possibly imagine what that will be.  They have hope because of Jesus.

I didn’t know Ryan, but during the service I learned what an amazing individual he was and the incredible impact he had in his few years on earth.  I saw pictures of him as a young child, and as a youth on mission trips.  I heard his church, sports, and college friends talk about how he lived life fully and with fun, how he encouraged them, was there for them.  They said he wasn’t perfect, that he would tell you all the good things about him were because of Jesus, not himself. 

As I sang through tears I asked myself if I could honestly praise God if that were my son or my granddaughter in the casket.  The conclusion I came to is this:  how I would do that I have no idea, but I would do it.  Because there is no other Answer.   God sees the full picture, the finished side of the tapestry of life, while we only get to see the knots and tangles and an occasional glimmer of gold thread.   My job is to hold firm in faith, trust in God and keep on trying to live like Jesus.

Death can come at any age.  We are powerless to stop it.  Ryan died at the age of 18.

Are you like Ryan?  Are you prepared for life after death?  It's REAL, you know.  You are going to have a different body and you will exist somewhere else FOREVER. 

Or are you like the people I know who aren’t even certain there is a God, or that Heaven and Hell are real places.  They think that whatever god you choose, or the lack of one, doesn’t matter as long as you believe it. That karma, good juju, positive energy, or just being a good person is the same as believing in one true life-saving God. 

Which breaks my heart because it’s not true.

What we believe on earth determines our reality after.  Death is inevitable.  Let it motivate you to face what really matters while you can change your future. 

Christianity is the only belief system where God reaches out to us.  He came to earth, had the human experience; He relates to us.  No other belief system has a PERSONAL God.  He wants to be in relationship with YOU.  He has a plan for YOUR life.

God showed us what He is like and why we are here.  He has a mind, soul and feelings; He created us in His image.  The Bible is His signature, written supernaturally by Him through men.  It answers questions He knew we would ask.  It was written over a period of 1,500 years by multiple people in 3 languages.  Only God could have controlled the content and kept it consistent.  

There is a mountain of prophetic, archaeological and scientific evidence to prove the Bible is God’s word, without error.  The Bible predicted when and where Jesus would be born.  Jesus proved He was God in the flesh by His perfect life, miracles and His resurrection, all of that corroborated by secular (nonreligious) history.  It matters whether you believe what is in the Bible.  There IS life after death and THAT changes everything.  (John 11:25-26)

The Bible teaches there is a time appointed for each to die, and then the judgment. (Hebrews 9:27)  There IS accountability after you die, and how that plays out depends on what you believe before you die.  Our Creator God has a right to be our boss.  You can decide not to believe that and go on living like it doesn’t matter, but it won’t change the fact that a decision is required of you.

I beg you  -  believe in Jesus Christ, give Him your life.  Read the Bible.  Not just to secure your eternal place in Heaven instead of Hell, but to change your life here and now.  It’s the most important thing you will EVER do.

Ryan believed; death did not find him unprepared.   How will it find you?

Friday, November 16, 2012

Living by The Book


Last week while some were focused on the election, real heroes were hard at work in the northeast helping to restore power to areas affected by Hurricane Sandy. 

A recent news article about the aftermath of the storm told of the crimes committed as people’s property was left unprotected.  There have been arrests for looting, price gouging, gas siphoned from cars, and cruelest of all criminals posing as relief workers who then steal from those already victimized by the storm.  “Most loathsome, perhaps, were reports of people posing as FEMA and utility workers to gain entry into homes, then sticking up residents.

Connecticut College professor social psychology Jason Nier was quoted as saying, “In a disaster situation, people aren’t sure what the norms are.  People may be looking to what others are doing in determining what their behavior may be.”  If that statement is true, it is a sad comment on how far character or our nation has deteriorated.  People may be looking to what others are doing for their standard of behavior, but there is a standard, a “norm”, and Americans used to be well educated in that standard.

The founders of America believed in a Supreme Being, a Creator God who granted liberty and with it accountability for one’s actions.  The foundation of their moral belief system is still in place today, given to us in the Holy Bible.  The first book of the Bible tells us that people are prone to bad behavior, behavior that goes against God’s desire for us and separates us from Him.  The second book and all those that follow give us a standard for behavior, to help us know how to live in community with one another.  Jesus Christ showed us by example how living by that standard works.

            Keep the Sabbath holy.  Gather regularly together in church.
            Honor your father and mother.
            Do not murder.
            Do not steal.
            Do not covet your neighbor’s house or anything that belongs to your neighbor.
            A thief must make restitution.
            Love God with all your heart, soul and strength.
            Teach your children God’s rules.
            When you eat and are satisfied, thank God.
            Love your neighbor as yourself.
            Take care of the poor, the widow, the fatherless.
            Do not lend with excessive interest.
            Be generous, not greedy.
            Pray always
            Forgive each other.
            Be ready to explain to someone who doesn’t know God why you have hope.
            Be able to discern truth from falsehood.

There isn’t anything unclear about God’s standards, and the beauty of His plan for us is that it works!   God didn’t give us His Word as a club, to beat people over the head with it.  He gave it out of love for each person, so that our life on this earth could be good and we can demonstrate His goodness.  If we would abide by the standard of the One who gave us life, breath, and the ability to have what we have life would be so much better. 

I have a nephew who lives in Texas but who is currently in New Jersey, working with a crew to restore power to the millions who have lost it.  His experience has quite different from the one in the article I referred to.  He tells of people who are patient, grateful that they didn’t lose their lives or homes or possessions, who provide the workers coffee and kind words and hot meals from their cars, and who thank those working to help them.   Those people are living by The Book.

He told us about crews from Texas and New Jersey sleeping in an 18-wheeler temporary bunkhouse.  They work together in harmony, building friendships and meshing similar skills with different accents to accomplish their shared goal.  These men too are living by The Book.   Take a look at these guys – forget about politics, it’s people like these men that have my support, my gratitude and my heartfelt thanks that in the midst of crisis they too are working and living by The Book.


Thursday, November 8, 2012

Election Blues

I am glad that Scripture has prayers of lament and seeking God when discouraged or in despair.  Yesterday Psalm 57 was my prayer: “O God, in you my soul takes refuge…refuge in the shadow of your wings until the disaster has passed.” And from Psalm 25, “Free me from my anguish; you are God my Savior, and my hope is in You all day long.” 

It’s hard being a red person in a blue world.  It’s not about politics – I’m tired of political speeches, debates, ads and emails.  No, it’s about the changes I see in a country that is very different from the one in which I grew up. 

In public school I learned about history.  Real history, things that actually happened and how they affected our nation.  In 1775 America was red with the blood of patriots who believed in freedom, a God-given right to liberty, and a representative form of government that would not seize individual property or income.  By 1783 the sovereignty of the United States of America was recognized, and the greatest experiment in government began.

In the 1830’s, my native state was red with the blood of Texans fighting for their independence.  In the 1860’s America was red with the blood of its citizens, fighting for the right of all men regardless of skin color to be free.  In the 1900’s America was red with the blood of its people fighting for freedom in other countries – WW I and II, Korea, Vietnam.  In 2001 America was red with the blood of innocent men and women as terrorists brought war to our own soil and our fight in the War on Terror began.

But today America is blue.  I saw the map on election night and began to realize how much we have changed.   Again, it’s not about Democrats or Republicans.  It’s about America, how she was founded, and where we are now headed.

We have become a nation whose majority believes that it is acceptable for our government to confiscate one person’s income without that person’s permission and give it to another in the form of welfare, Social Security to those who haven’t paid in and aren’t citizens, “free” health care services, and excessive taxes on property.  We have a president who has established government czars (“an emperor or absolute monarch”), something never before done in America, and whose use of the executive order to get around the law is historical in its excess.  Our Supreme Court has expanded the power of eminent domain, ruling that personal property can be “transferred” to another private entity for “economic development” and only the government decides what is “just compensation” (Kelo v. City of New London).

To see America heading down a path its Founders fought to avoid breaks my heart.  I have done my best to work for the principles in our Declaration of Independence and the Constitution.  Others have worked to bring about different principles.  I must accept that for now at least, they have prevailed.  That’s the way America works and I support the process.  Some will celebrate victory this week and in the months to come, anticipating benefits that others must provide them.  Others, like my husband and I, will begin assessing our remaining ability to make income, our property, and our stake in an American small business to decide how best to protect and preserve what we have worked so hard for.  We will also freely of our own will decide how best to help others less fortunate.  I don’t need government to make me do that.

And we will turn, as always, to our faith.  Governments come and go, but God is the same yesterday, today and forever.  I don’t understand why He allows certain circumstances, but I’ve learned He is always there for me.

I’ve been praying Psalm 23 in a new way since Tuesday night, taking it very personally.  What a comfort to know that even when my beloved country as I have always known it is walking through the valley of the shadow of death, I don’t have to fear any evil because God is with me.  

God loves all His creation, but those who come to Him through the shed blood of His son Jesus Christ get to be in relationship with Him.  That relationship, and the security of eternity in heaven it brings, gives my life meaning and purpose while I’m here on this earth.  Maybe America is still red.  Red from blood on a cross where Jesus gave up his life for our freedom - freedom to live the way God wants us to, and the liberty to love and treat others rightly no matter what color is on the election map.

Saturday, October 20, 2012

Tonic Girls

I am almost fully recovered from the West Nile Virus.  As if the horrible ear pain, ringing in the ears, stiff neck, painfully swollen glands, headache, body aches, sleeplessness, and in general feel-badness for a week weren’t bad enough, in the 2nd week of WNV I broke out in The Rash.  The first blotches were on my face and chest, and I wondered for a moment if I had regressed into adolescence.  But it wasn’t long before the red bumps were everywhere from the tips of my fingers down my trunk to my ankles.  You could cover the face with makeup but there wasn’t enough cover for the arms and legs. 

By day 6 of the illness I had just about had it.  It was Friday, and my daughter and her family were due in town late that night for a wedding the next day.  I was cranky, restless, tired, and in a bad mood.  I lay down to rest and await their arrival, hoping it would make me feel better (my husband hoped so too).

They arrived around 9:30, not bad for a Friday after work drive, and I went outside to greet them.  Emily’s smile at being at Grandma’s was just what I needed.  We went upstairs to the grandkids room while Dad brought in Molly, just waking from a snooze.  Emily went immediately for Bambi and looked around at some of her favorites, saying “I remember this.”  I told her I was so glad she liked this room as much as I did, even though it wasn’t very big and I always had the same things.  “It’s my favorite place,” she said earnestly, and I could honestly join her in saying, “Mine too.”  Already I was feeling better.  Then I heard Molly calling, “Grandma, Grandma” and I new the Tonic girls were going to cure me.

Our girls love to sleep on the floor.  Beds are apparently an unnecessary element in their world.  Emily chose the Winnie the Pooh sleeping bag this time, placing the Caterpillar on the floor by Molly’s pillow.  It was hard to calm down having just arrived, but before long teeth were brushed, jammies were on, bedtime music was playing softly, and Grandma was nestled in between them on the floor reading a story and patting backs.  Emily wanted her “alone time with Grandma”, so her obliging parents and Grandpa left the room.  I was in my own bed by 10:30 and for the first time in a week I slept soundly for 7 hours. 

Next morning mom was off to the hair salon for a cut-n-color prior to the wedding and Grandpa had some work to do at church.  The girls and I had an easy day ahead of us.  We started with breakfast, of course, and decided on eggs, toast and some cherub tomatoes.  Emily is pretty good at cracking eggs, but I showed her how to tap the egg and gently pull the shell apart leaving the yellow whole because then you can have an over easy.  The farm fresh eggs from Grandpa’s friend Rex were very tasty, and Emily ate two of my perfect over easy eggs.  Perfectly toasted English Muffins sopped up the remaining yellow and we were set for the morning.

Now that Emily is in kindergarten, she likes to play school.  She was the teacher and I would be her assistant; Molly could be a student if she could behave.  Today we were learning art, and teacher carefully selected themed selections of colors, markers and construction paper for her students, which included Bambi, American Girl Samantha and her friends, Lion Cub and Linnea.  And me.  Emily taught us how to draw a beach ball, dividing the circle into triangles and coloring each section different.   Soon we segued into hospital, and while Molly played with alphabet blocks Emily used her many colored bandages to fix up every real and perceived boo-boo in the room.  Molly even sat in the doctor chair for a while and let doc plaster her with blue band aids. 

Kathy was re-discovered, and Emily was as delighted with this life-size plastic doll-child as her mother had been.  Kathy is probably 50 or 60 years old, stands as tall as a 5 yr old, made out of plastic with real hair and eyes that close when she lies down.  Over the course of the weekend, Kathy went to school, was in the hospital for a broken leg, had her first bath in probably 30 years, and ate every meal sitting next to Emily. 

She also was with us when we baked cookies.  Making cookies at Grandma’s is a tradition, and the girls had great fun helping make the dough, adding flour to their work surface, and rolling it out for their chosen cutters.  At 2 ½ Molly is still a bit challenged at this – for her it’s more about trying to sneak bites of cookie dough.  I don’t give her much dough at a time, and at one point she was impatiently waiting for me to give her some more while I pulled a pan of cookies out of the oven.  As I turned around I heard Emily wail, “She hit me!”  and cry in genuine pain.  Molly had bonked Emily in the right temple with the handle of a wooden rolling pin and I rushed to put some ice on it.  Fortunately it didn’t get Emily in the eye.  Molly got a major time out for that one, and she was not happy about it.  Even gave me a taste of the “sprinkler” crying (ask her mom to explain that one, Molly is a master at it.) 

After the cookies were done it was definitely time for a bath.  Emily, Kathy, Molly and the bag of sea animals all went into a big bubble bath – bathtime at Grandma’s has to have bubbles.  Nothing like clean girls to wrap in towels and smell their hair as we get them into pajamas.  Molly let me put her down early, and I loved our quite time together reading books and watching her bring a tonka truck to bed with her.  You never know when you might wake up and need that.  Emily read her “We’re Going on a Bear Hunt”, one of my favorites, and Molly listened carefully as Emily made all the sounds.  Then Emily grabbed a pile of books and went downstairs to wait for me.  Molly’s long lashes graced her cheeks and her breathing was even in minutes, so I tucked her in and went down to check on Emily.

Emily and I plugged in a classic Disney Bugs Bunny VHS (yes I still have those and a player that works!)  Our favorite is the “music” one where Bugs and his opera singer neighbor are at war between his singing and Bugs’ banjo playing. Bugs, of course, wins.  Also the bull fight one – you just can’t outsmart Bugs.  Oh to stop time in these precious minutes – the little one snugly asleep upstairs, and the older one snuggled against me, both of us laughing at the antics of a classic cartoon.  They are growing up so fast.

After another good night’s sleep, I woke to hear Molly at my door saying “Thunder!  Thunder!”  And indeed there was a good amount of lightning and thunder.  It was still dark outside, so I took her out on the porch swing and rocked her gently, telling her that God made the lightning, the rain, the thunder, and we didn’t need to be afraid of any of it.  We had some precious time together experiencing God’s nature.  As I stood to go in, holding her with her head on my shoulder and our heartbeats touching, I thought what a privilege it was to have that sweet life in my arms, trusting me to bear her up and keep her safe in the storm.  As God has done for me so many times. 

We went back in and Emily was awake, ready for another over easy egg.  I had another morning with them, getting them dressed for Sunday School and taking them with us to church.  What a fabulous phase of life, grandparenting; if I could I’d freeze time and never let them grow up.   Never change how fun the girls are, how young and beautiful their mother is, how close we all are, how special life is. 

After church we headed home to a meal of fried chicken, Grandpa’s homemade mashed potatoes and gravy, peas and salad.  Laura and Craig are wonderful parents, one minutes monitoring their childrens’ manners, the next joking with us, the next picking up Molly to examine her fall for broken bones v. bruises.  All in an hour’s work.

I am thankful that Emily no longer cries when she leaves our house.  I can’t always say the same, and this is one of those times.  Although my tears don’t come immediately, they come later, after I try to distract myself with reading or housework and remember the special talks with my daughter, or Emily’s laugh at Bugs Bunny, or Molly’s listening in on the phone extension and trying to hide it.  If I could I would move them here, next door, so that we might have moments every day.  But for now I will be thankful for our closeness, their voices that still echo in the rooms.  I’ll read my past blogs and remind myself that next month I’ll see them again.  We all have our lives to live, and I’ve had my turn at having little ones in the house 24/7.  I have to let go, and be thankful for the blessing of every moment they share with me. 

Friday, September 21, 2012

Notes From the Nosebleed Section

The other night I had the most wonderful night’s sleep.  I didn’t wake until almost 6 a.m. and when I did of course I headed straight for the bathroom.  As I walked across the carpeted dressing area I noticed the floor felt squishy.  Oh no, I thought, this old plumbing has finally started to leak and we’ve got a major problem.  The floor in the closet was wet also.  I turned on the light to take a look.  The bathroom floor mat was gone, but other than that and the wet floor everything looked normal.  The areas closest to the faucets were actually dry, just the middle of the floor was wet.   I didn’t smell anything, and there were no stains on the carpet.  I couldn’t figure out what was going on.  I made a mental note to tell my husband about it later so he could investigate.
When we talked later that day, he said, “That was no leak, that was a major nosebleed.”  He said he’d woken in the middle of the night feeling his nose running and figured it was allergies.  He went to the bathroom, and turned on the light.  That’s when he saw blood everywhere, leaving a massive trail from the bed to the toilet area.  He told me that after he finally managed to get the bleeding stopped he used lots of cold water and towels to clean up the mess and they were soaking in the washer filled with cold water.  I couldn’t decide what was more incredulous to me, the fact that he had his first nosebleed ever AND cleaned up the mess so well that I couldn’t tell what had happened, or the fact that I slept through the whole thing!   The one night I get a really good night’s sleep and I wasn’t there to help my husband when he could have used it.  Darn.  We both agreed it was really strange that he had a nosebleed.  He’d never had one before, and didn’t have any pain or any other symptoms and he was feeling fine.  We chalked it up to a random occurrence.
That afternoon about 2 pm it happened again.  This time he was sitting at his desk, checking voice messages and writing them down when he saw big drops of blood covering the legal pad.  He called to me and as soon as I saw what was happening I ran to get a roll of paper towels.  As a veteran of nosebleeds, I advised him to pinch his nose right above where the nostrils flared and lean slightly forward.  Slowly, the bleeding subsided.  I looked at the desk, his shirt, the floor and thought good grief, this looks like a homicide scene!  What in the world was going on?  We got him and the area cleaned up and a fresh shirt so that he could go to his meeting without looking like “You should see the other guy…”  I called the doctor and requested a call back; this was not normal and something was going on.   The nurse called back shortly and asked about history of nosebleeds, other symptoms, medicines he was on, and advised him to take his blood pressure.  She said it was probably not anything serious, but due to the amount of bleeding combined with his history the doctor advised that if it happened again that night and we couldn’t stop the bleeding quickly we were to get to the ER.  I felt somewhat better, at least now I had a plan from a doctor.
That evening at home I told Paul that I was not going to go to sleep until after he was well asleep and there was no blood.  He waved everything off and said he was fine.  We had planned to go to the hardware store for a bulk lumber purchase in preparation of a work weekend at the family ranch, so we decided to head to Lowes.  He said he felt fine but I insisted on driving.  I was still worried about the sudden onset of these incidents and how much blood he had lost. 
We arrived at Lowes a little before 8 p.m. – which by the way is a great time to go to the hardware store.  There was hardly anyone around and we had the contractor section practically to ourselves.  We looked at bathroom hardware and vanities to get an idea of what we might like once the ranch bathrooms were remodeled, then headed over to the lumber section to get the 2 x 4 x 8’s for framing  the new shower.   Paul showed me how to make sure each board was straight and how to discern the ones that shouldn’t ‘make the cut’.  He started pulling boards off the giant shelves and handing them to me to true up, where I’d either hand them back if they were a discard or place them on the lumber dolly if they measured up.  We had our own little assembly line going and I had just selected board # 8 out of 32 when I noticed a large pool of blood on the concrete floor.  I looked up as Paul was turning around to hand me another 2 x 4.  Blood was flowing freely from his nose onto his white Tshirt, which was quickly being covered by large bright red circles.   “Honey, sit down, you are bleeding again,” I exclaimed.  I dug in my purse for tissue and came up with one slightly used Kleenex.  “Here, hold this to your nose and clamp your nostrils where I showed you.  I’m going to go get some towels.” 
I left him sitting on a wooden pallet in the aisle, in his blood-soaked Tshirt holding a pitiful used tissue.  I was worried he would pass out from so much loss of blood.  Running up to the checkout counter I asked, “Do you have a roll of shop towels?  My husband has a severe nosebleed and I need something.”  The guy at the counter pulled out a roll of dusty, dingy towels that looked like they belonged in a bathroom dispenser.  “Here, you can have these but they aren’t the cleanest,” he replied.  “Neither is your floor back in the lumber section,” I smiled.  I grabbed the roll and ran back down the aisle.  Paul’s nose was still bleeding.  A young couple wandering by eyed him curiously, then turned to stare at me.  I guess we did make quite the spectacle – me in my loudly colored house-dress which I rarely wore outside the house, my hair loosely put up in a butterfly clip and my most comfortable flip-flops, and Paul in his formerly white Tshirt and red plaid shorts, wad of shop towels mashed against his face, standing next to a dinner plate-sized pool of blood on the floor.
A different store clerk came over and asked, “Sir, are you ok?”  I showed him the roll of towels and said, “Just a nosebleed, sorry about the mess, I’ll try to get it cleaned up.”  Seeing our partially filled lumber dolly, the clerk said, “Can I help you get what you need?”  Paul told him what we were looking for and he headed off with the dolly to get help loading the lumber.
Paul looked up at me, disgusted with having to talk to people with a wad of towels shoved in front of his nose.  “Let them load up the 2 x 4’s and take my wallet up to the counter.  Pay for everything and keep the receipt, we’ll let them pick out the studs.  I’ve got to get out to the truck and lean back, I feel kind of weak.”
 At this point I started to panic in earnest, and told him we were headed straight to the ER.  He didn’t say anything but he didn’t argue with me either.  I hurried him as much as I dared, not wanting the movement to escalate the flow of blood.  When we got to the counter a different clerk was there.  He looked at Paul and back at me.  “Can I help you?”  Paul nodded.  “We’re getting some lumber that needs loading into my truck outside.  My wife is going to settle up with you while I go move the truck.”  I told the guy what we were purchasing and he rang it up.  Swiping the credit card through the machine, I looked outside while I waited for the signature screen to appear.  I could see that Paul had managed to move the truck to the loading area and was now sitting in the passenger side.  Couldn’t this guy move any faster?  “Ready for you to sign, ma’am,” he said.  I scribbled with the plastic pen and took the receipt.  “Can I have a few more towels, please?  My husband has a bad nosebleed and we can’t seem to get it stopped.”  He tore off a few more towels and handed them to me.  I grabbed them and ran out to the truck.
Two young guys were loading 2 x 4 x 8’s into the back of the truck.  I walked around to the passenger side to check on Paul.  He was slightly reclining, repositioning the shop towels under his nose.  I saw several wads of bloody paper on the floorboard.  This was getting ridiculous, and I was getting scared.  Was my husband going to bleed to death here in the loading bay of Lowes?  At that moment the young clerk who had helped us in the lumber aisle ran up to the truck and said, “Here, I brought you this ice pack.  Just break it open and it’ll get cold.  Can I get you anything else?”  We thanked him and assured him the situation was contained.  He looked doubtful but turned around to go back inside.  I handed the ice pack to Paul who placed it on top of the wad of towels on his face.  Obviously I would be driving from here on out, so I thanked the loading guys as they put the last piece of lumber in the truck bed and walked around to the driver’s door.
I adjusted the seat and mirrors and turned to look at Paul.  “We are heading straight to the ER.  That’s what the doctor said to do, if this happened again tonight and we couldn’t get the bleeding stopped quickly we were to go to the ER.”  Here’s how the rest of the conversation went:
Paul:      I don’t need to go to the stinkin’ ER.
Me:        I don’t care, we are going to do want the doctor said.
Paul:      Look, the bleeding is almost stopped.  I just want to go home.
Me:        It stopped for a while both times before too, only to start again in a few hours.  You have lost a lot of blood, and this is starting to scare me.  We’re driving to the ER.  Do you have a preference which one we go to?
Paul:      I just want to go home.
Me:        Fine, we’ll go to that new ER close to our house.  Please put your seat belt on, and keep pinching your nose so the bleeding doesn’t get going again.  We’re out of towels.
I’m a native Texan so I can drive, park and navigate traffic with a pickup truck.  But it’s a little more interesting when the bed is loaded with lumber.  Not only was my rear view blocked but about 3 dozen 2 x 4s were overhanging the back end by several feet and I was nervous about tailgaters on the road.  As I pulled cautiously out of the parking lot I heard some of the studs shift in the back.  Suddenly I remembered we also had dozens of boxes of ceramic tile and several sheets of glass tiles in the truck bed, right under the lumber overhang.  I didn’t want that expensive stuff to get broken to pieces on my watch.  All I had to do was get my bleeding husband to the ER without losing a single stud or trashing the tile.  No pressure.
As we merged onto the freeway I noticed Paul feeling around for some more towels.  The nose was on the flow again, not too heavy yet but definitely not stopped.  I didn’t know how much more blood he could stand to lose and he had stopped arguing with me about going to the ER.  Tailgaters, studs and tile be damned – I pressed the accelerator.
About 12 minutes later I turned into the medical center parking lot and looked for signs to the ER.  This was a smaller, new hospital in our neighborhood and we’d only been once to visit a friend.  But at the time a staffer told us the ER was open and ready for business.  I figured any ER should be able to handle a nosebleed situation…..
To my relief the parking lot wasn’t crowded.  I wheeled the Z71 diagonally into a horizontal parking space – well, two spaces actually but I wasn’t going for accuracy.  Besides, given our overhang we needed at least two spaces.  I yanked the keys out of the ignition, jumped out and ran around to Paul’s door.  I opened it and helped him out – for a guy who was “fine” he sure seemed in a weakened state to me.   We walked up to the emergency entrance and through the automatic doors.  A very efficient nurse greeted us and led us into an examination room.  Paul laid down on the table in all his blood-stained-shirt-plaid-shorts glory while I did the paperwork.  The admitting nurse left the room and we waited for the doctor.  Paul was starting to feel better because he sat up, saying “This is ridiculous.  I don’t need a doctor, just need to go home and lie down.  It’ll probably cost us $2000 and all I needed was more towels for my nose.”  We had an abbreviated version of our by now routine “I want to go home / We are going to the ER” conversation.  Since we were already at the ER I won this round.
About that time the doctor walked in.   At least that’s who he said he was.  I didn’t believe it though, he couldn’t have been more than 13 ½ and he seemed nervous.  He also didn’t know his way around the room very well.  Great, we chose the ER where Doogie Howser was doing his residency.  Too late now.  He rummaged around in a cabinet for a pair of gloves, then turned back to Paul as Nurse Ratchett appeared in the doorway.  Unlike Dr. Howser, she was extremely confident and very familiar with her surroundings.  She surveyed the situation and just stood there.  Doc asked Nurse if she knew where a scope light was, and she said, “There should be one in the cabinet.”  Didn’t move, didn’t offer to get it for him much less help him find it, just stood there.  He turned back to the cabinet and rummaged some more.  Ratch finally ambled over to the cabinet, opened the far right door, pulled out the scope and handed it to him without a word.  Her contempt for the young doctor was almost tangible.  Great, I thought – my husband is going to bleed to death while these two act out their power play.
It became clear to me that what we had here was a very experienced RN of probably 30+ years teamed with an inexperienced doctor who had been practicing approximately 17 minutes.  I could not believe she wasn’t even trying to help him.  Doogie bent over Paul with the scope, intently peering into his nasal cavity.  He asked some questions about the frequency and severity of the nosebleeds and took another look.  When he straightened up he said that we really needed to get to an ENT as this sort of thing wasn’t his specialty.  However, he went on to say that it appeared it was not the type of nosebleed that was life threatening.  Life threatening???  A nosebleed can kill you??  Geez, what were we dealing with here?! 
Doogie turned to Ratch and bravely said, “I need a nasal tampon please.”  I almost burst out laughing  - they were going to fix my husband’s nosebleed with a tampon!!  Nurse sauntered over and leaned on the counter.  “There should be one in the cabinet.”  Apparently they had their own version of the “I want to go home / We are going to the ER” conversation.  This time however Doc was prepared.  “I already looked, and I didn’t see any.”  Obviously put out, Nurse Ratchett turned and left the room, heading down the hall and out of sight.  Score one for the doc.  He looked up at us and smiled.  “I’ll be right back and we’ll get this nose packed for you.”
This time when the room emptied of all medical personnel, Paul sat up and rolled his eyes at me.  “This is ridiculous.  These people don’t know what they are doing and they aren’t even fully stocked with supplies!  Get me out of here.”  Secretly I was inclined to agree with him, but we were already admitted and besides, I was committed to following through with what our doctor – a real physician – had instructed us to do.  I was thinking of an intelligent comeback when the doc can back in, closely followed.  He immediately noticed that Paul’s nose had started bleeding again just by sitting up, and he seemed to take a more serious interest.  He even sounded more like a doctor.  “Lay back down, we’ve got to get this bleeding stopped and appropriate packing put in place to get you stabilized.”  He donned a fresh pair of plastic gloves.  Nurse Ratchet came in carrying two plastic packets.  “This is all we have – two sizes only, small and large.”  She caught a glimpse of my freshly bleeding husband and for some reason it had the effect of softening her.  Possibly she also noticed the panicked look on my face.  I was beginning to thing he wouldn’t make it through the night without bleeding to death and I surely couldn’t leave him here. 
Ratch began to talk reassuringly to us while Doogie determined which packing material he would use.  She asked Paul about his blood pressure, exercise habits and whether he thought he was overweight.  He glared at her.  “What do you think?” he asked.  She smiled sweetly.  “I was just trying to be nice.”  After that she was even nicer – I think she liked having a patient spar with her, especially a handsome one, even if he was being a crankypants.
Doc decided to try the small nasal tampon.  He carefully inserted it into the nasal cavity as far as it would go.  He instructed Paul to keep lying down and he’d be back in a few minutes to see if the bleeding was stopped.  Of course, when someone is messing around in your nose it tends to tickle all those little sensors and it makes you want to sneeze.  Which Paul did.  Out comes the packing, out comes a new flow of blood, and basically I felt like we were back at square one.
Nurse came running in, the Doctor on her heels.  “You should have used the large nasal tampon,” she said accusingly to Doogie.  He just ignored her – finally, he was getting a backbone.  This time he approached the cabinet confidently, extracted the tool he had used previously - which he had found with no help from Ratchett - and opened the packaging for the large tampon.  Same song, second verse, except this time he also instructed the patient not to sneeze.  Amazingly, he did not. 
After another 15 minutes or so of waiting, Doc pronounced that he would release us.  He told Paul to keep the packing in all night and until he saw the ENT if possible.  We thanked him, and he toddled off down the hall having performed his emergency doctor duties for the night.    Ratch came to the door and asked me if I’d like her to wait with Paul while I went to pull the car around.  Not only did I not want my husband alone with Nurse I’ve-Got-A-Crush-On-You, but no way was I going to drive our Jed Clampett truck with all the lumber sticking out of the back, piles of tiles askew in the bed and plumbing parts everywhere right up to the emergency entrance of a new, fancy looking hospital.  “No thanks, we’ll walk,” I said as I grabbed Paul’s hand and practically yanked him out of her grasp.  Geez, these older women love to throw themselves at my husband even when he’s literally a bloody mess.
Doc had suggested I get some neosenephrine to spray in the nostrils to keep the blood vessels constricted and hinder bleeding.  By now it was 11 pm and I wasn’t sure we had a pharmacy open in our neighborhood.  On the way home I spotted a CVS and turn into the parking lot.  The cashier was outside, cleaning the glass of the front door, obviously preparing to close for the night.  I jumped out and ran up to her.  “We just came from the ER, the doc said I need to get one over the counter item, do I have time?”  “We close in 5 minutes,” she said.  I raced back to the cold and allergy section and scanned the rows of boxes for neosenephrine.  They had one box - I snagged it.
I passed down the wine aisle as I walked up front to check out.  It occurred to me that it had been a long evening, I probably wasn’t going to go to bed anytime soon because I would need to watch my husband for a while, and I ought to buy something for myself too.  I grabbed a bottle of pinot noir and plopped my two items on the counter.  The cashier, anxious for me to exit so she could close up the store, eyed my purchases.  You could almost hear her thinking, “Yeah, right, you just went to the ER and the doctor told you to stop by the drug store and get a bottle of wine!!”  She wordlessly rang me up, I paid the bill and exited the building with as much dignity as I could muster. 
Within minutes we were home.  Finally.  I helped Paul walk in and got him settled on the couch.  I didn’t want him moving any more than absolutely necessary.  “Neosenephrine for you, wine for me!” I cheerfully announced.  He scowled as I sprayed in the medicine, careful not to disturb the packing.  It had been a long 24 hours, my worry increasing with every nosebleed and the high-anxiety drive in our Jed Clampett truck to the ER staffed with some of Austin’s finest.  Now, sitting on the couch watching my husband and sipping a glass of wine, I began to relax a tiny bit.  I was scared to go to sleep.  What if his tampon fell out and he bled to death during the night?  Would I sleep right through it like I had the night before when he bled all over the bed and dressing area?  He started to slump over and said he felt very weak.  No kidding, with as much blood as he had lost.  He laid down on the couch.  It was then that I noticed the tampon beginning its slide, out of his nostril and down his face.  “Honey, don’t let it fall out!” I said.  He just looked at me, then said, “You deal with it, I’m too tired.”
With all the medicine inside his nose, there was no keeping that packing in there.  And I sure as heck wasn’t going to sit up all night holding it in.  There was wine to drink and sleep to be had.  Nasal tampons be damned!  I collected the packing with a paper towel  -  amazingly we still had a few – and tossed it in the garbage.  So much for all the doc’s hard work.
Fortunately the night passed uneventfully.   I awoke to begin making calls to try and get him into an ENT that morning.  We got an appointment for 9:00 am – apparently they take heavy sudden nosebleeds and visits to the ER pretty seriously.  I was permitted in the exam room with Paul where we waited to meet a new doctor.  This one was no Doogie Howser; he was more of the good old boy variety who looked like a coach.  I liked him right away.  His common sense style and professional demeanor put us at ease.  Paul started by telling him he wished his wife would find another place besides the nose to hit.  Ha Ha, very funny.  I countered with, “I’m happy to start punching you in the arm if you prefer.”  Dr. W just laughed and said, “Tilt your head back, let me take a look.” 
Almost immediately after looking with a lighted scope in the now tampon-free nostril, he spotted the problem.  “You’ve got a large blood vessel that has dried up and started to crack.  Because it’s so large, once it started leaking it let a lot of blood out.”   “You’re telling me!” I replied.  “We’ve both taken to wearing red all the time so the blood won’t show.”  I glanced down, and as it happened we were both actually wearing red shirts.  Doc said, “This happens as you get older.  And like you most people are on baby aspirin these days so our nosebleed cases have been on the rise.  But it’s much better to see the doctor for a nosebleed than for a heart attack.”
He called in the nurse to set up the equipment.  She powered up what appeared to be a small soldering iron.  Within seconds it was smoking, little wisps of smoke rising in the air as it heated.  This was going to be interesting, I decided.  The doc came back and told Paul to hold very still, that he was going to inject the site to deaden it for the procedure.  Yowsa, nothing like having a long needle stuck up your nose – what a place to get a shot.  Paul flinched a bit but followed instructions.  Then, after waiting a few minutes to make sure the shot had taken effect, doc picked up the instrument and began his welding. 
Fifteen minutes later, we were at the checkout desk.  The doc had cauterized the defective vessel, advised him what to expect in the next two weeks, and released him to work.  It was such a relief to know that we didn’t have to worry about any more sudden loss of blood or trips to the ER.  Out of the nosebleed section at last.

Monday, June 25, 2012

Letter from Bambi


Dear Emily,

Hi!  I sure miss you, you always play with me so much when you come for a visit and I like having so much time off my shelf.  It’s funny, Grandma hasn’t put me back on the shelf yet like she usually does.  In fact, none of the other animals or dolls are back in their places in the grandkids room either, it’s really weird.  Grandpa is napping and Grandma is doing her writing.  But since while I’m free I’m going to take a walk around the house and see what’s going on. 

I’m on the floor in the grandkids room by the door, right where you left me.  Ramona is lying beside me, face down and with both her shoes off, as usual.  That big basket in the corner is stuffed with all the kids blankets, and church baby, both Winnie the Poohs, Mickey and Grandma Bear are all in there too.  Grandma Bear looks pretty squished because Pooh is right on top of her.  Raggedy Ann is flopped over, half on a shelf and half on the floor.  The Tiggers are next to the shelf with Piglet, and one of the little Cliffords is excited because he gets to be on the top shelf for a change, where Molly put him.  His left ear is cocked all the way up like he’s listening for you to come up the stairs.  A LOT of the books are spread out and relaxing on the floor, couch, in the cradle and under the rocking chair – they look happy.  Grandma says where is Emily when she needs her to organize this room?

The computer room looks pretty much the same, except there is a really cool picture of purple mountains majesty on the cedar chest.  Did you draw that?  It’s really pretty.  Oh, and some of Pete’s food is in his water bowl, plus his chase-balls are under the desk.  He isn’t here though – I haven’t seen him in days except two times when he raced down the hallway like he was being chased.  He looked kinda crazy.

I went into the bathroom to get a drink; it doesn’t look the same.  There are toys in the bathtub; when Grandma takes her shower there are never any toys in there, I guess she doesn’t like to play in the bath.  I saw the picture of the Biggest Bubble Bath ever that you and Lily had – WOW, that was a lot of bubbles Grandpa made for you!

When I saw the building blocks out on the upstairs back porch I just had to go outside and see what you built.  It looks like a school!   A School for Fish!  There is a room for the fish, one for the dolphins, the sharks and whales are all in the same class, and the squid went in the room with all the snakes.  Two of those snakes have their heads up over the walls, I think they are looking for you and Molly.  The fish are still very clean from the bath you gave them.  Also there’s a playground next to the school.  The turtles got together and are talking about whether they want to make the long walk over to the swings.  That is a BIG school, it must have taken you a long time to build it.  I think Grandma is going to leave it up for a while.

I found your finger paintings in Grandma & Grandpa’s room.  Wow, really colorful pictures of the sun and all the planets.  Grandma said she likes the yellow sun one the best, but I like the one with all the red handprints on it.

Gosh, the house seems so quiet!  I thought no one was downstairs until I heard Grandpa snoring a little.  Thankfully he doesn’t snore as loud as Grandma does sometimes.   They must be having another dinner party tonight, the table is set for 5 plus Molly’s chair.  For some reason Baby is laying down on the table, and the little Red Wagon is parked crooked next to the window.  And you know that little wooden puzzle wagon Molly was dragging around everywhere?  I don’t see the wagon but those wooden blocks are everywhere.   I heard Grandma say just leave them and she’ll collect them as she finds them.  She doesn’t seem to be in a hurry and was smiling when she said it.  But I like it when the blocks are all on the wagon and they make that picture of the pig on the farm. 

Say, what happened to all the juice boxes in the frig?  And the strawberries and blueberries?  Plus we are almost out of eggs, and there is no chocolate milk anywhere.  You should come back because that’s when Grandma buys the good stuff.  I did find a few goldfish under Molly’s chair, and Grandma always has animal crackers.  Duke is outside eating his chicken bones and saying “yum, yum”.  Well, he said “woof, woof”, but he means yum, yum. 

The markers and stickers are still on your little blue table in the living room.  Looks like Molly left right in the middle of coloring a picture, her coloring book is still open to that page with the gingerbread man on it.  She was using brown.  But the TV has a boring golf game on it.  I liked it better when you were here, at least if the TV was on I could watch a little Mickey, or Pluto, or Winnie the Pooh.  Remember when we had movie nights?  We got to see 101 Dalmatians and Robin Hood, but my favorite was Bambi, of course :)

Outside the birds are all over the feeder and in the bird bath.  Big Daddy blue jay is taking a bath, and the sparrows are eating their lunch.  They said thank you for watching out for the squirrels to keep them away from their food, and for reminding Grandma when to put more food in.  And I see you got to go swimming on the back porch too.  The little pool still has water in it, and the kids broom is lying in the water.  Boy, you did a GREAT job cleaning out that pool, Grandpa says it’s never been so clean.  And you sure got him with the water-splash game – he was SO wet!!!

Nothing much happening here, so I guess I’ll go back upstairs.  Hey, there’s Grandma, still writing.  I think I’ll sneak up behind her and see what she is writing about.  Oh, I see.  She’s making her stories about while you were here.  Monday you got to go to IHOP for pancakes for breakfast – in your pajamas!!  Hey, how come you didn’t take me?  I like pancakes too, you know.  Then you went on a long grocery store trip and she said you and Molly got to ride in a car in front of the grocery cart.  Did you and Molly both drive?

Tuesday she took you to Zilker Park to ride the train.  You rode all through the park, and went in 3 tunnels!  One was underground, and the other two were very narrow and under a bridge with cars on it.  She said it was a little scary in the narrow tunnel because there was a steep dropoff down into Town Lake.  But the conductor blew the whistle and went very slowly so it was okay.  Then the train went around a bend where a man was playing his guitar and a harmonica at the same time.  Molly sat very still and watched everything very carefully.  She said you like the playground – it’s really, really big and has a fire truck on it.  And you got to have a picnic lunch!  But the pigeons wouldn’t let Molly catch them, even though she tried. 

On Wednesday we baked cookies, remember?  I was there for that because you pulled up a chair just for me.  You cut cookies in the shapes of the Three Bears and Goldilocks, little lamb, a cat, a moon, a sun, an Easter egg and a butterfly.  Grandpa bear cookie is really big.  I like the blue icing you made, and the different color sprinkles you decorated with.  Molly’s cookie is kind of messy.   After we ate a cookie we went upstairs for Library Day.  You picked out the books, you read some and then Grandma read some and all of us animals got to listen.  I like Library Day.   And I liked it when you set us up to play school too.

I wish I could have gone with you to Grandma’s work on Thursday.  Her friends liked having you and Molly come for a visit, and she said you got to jump across big steps over water and see a waterfall.  That afternoon you went to Brentwood Park and got to swim in a big pool all by yourself.  Molly was supposed to be in the baby pool, and she did stay in it when you were there.  But when you went to the big pool, she wanted to go to – she just wants to do whatever you do!  The playground there was fun, nice and shady and the swings were just the right size. 

Friday was the day you got to go to the bookstore.  I saw the Cinderella castle you made with your mom, and the Aladdin book with the 3D glasses.  I really liked the Dollar Bill books, where Junior learns how to save, spend and give.  The fit perfectly in your new backpack Aunt Tracy gave you.

Speaking of Aunt Tracy, you and she made some beautiful chalk art on the front porch.  I can see the rainbow, the butterflies, and the house with everyone in your family from the dining room window.  And the pictures you and Lily drew are still there too.  She said she really enjoyed watching Robin Hood with you.  I can’t believe she had never seen it before!  Uncle Walter likes the pictures too, and he liked playing with you and Molly in the grandkids room.  He said Molly kept jumping on him and wanting to “ride”.

Grandma is writing that she had a great eight days with her girls.  She loved it that your mommy came for a visit too.  She says she’s already planning her vacation days next year so she can have you for another visit.  Do you think you can come back before next summer?  That’s a long time before I get to see you, and it won’t be long before I’m tucked back on my shelf next to my book again and can't get out.  I miss you, write back when you can.

Love,
Bambi

P.S.                 What is Pinterest?
P.P.S.             Every time I hear the doves cooing I hear Molly saying “Owl, owl”.  You and I know the sound is cooing, but Molly thought it was an owl “who-whoing!!”
P.P.P.S.         Grandma still has her light pink fingernails and bright pink toenails to match yours.
P.P.P.P.S.     Grandma cried some tears after you all left – she wasn’t hurt and I didn’t see any reason why she should cry but she did.  Weird.