I’ve just returned from what seems like a long journey. Even now things seem … surreal, and like I am not yet back in my body. For 7 days I’ve been on doctor ordered bed-rest, or bed-desk as I prefer to call it since I had to work the whole time. I have discovered a new depth of respect for those who are chronically ill, who must fact long-term treatments for chronic illness, and for those who for whatever reason have permanently lost their ability to speak.
I was reminded how fragile this physical life is, and at the same time how amazingly designed by God are these human bodies. Especially the pulmonary systems - the delicate act of respiration, and the incredible amounts of mucous that can be produced with respiratory illnesses. The doctor diagnosed me with an upper respiratory bronchial infection; undiagnosed but recognized was the very real possibility of pneumonia, given my symptoms and history, and all this was later complicated by learning I’d been exposed to whooping cough at a local hospital while visiting.
For some reason this area has become my Achilles heel, my constant weakness, as an adult. I wasn’t plagued with it as a child, but since a near-fatal bout of pneumonia and Type A flu back in the early 1990’s that has been my area of struggle regarding health. If our government proceeds down this current health “care” disaster road, I’ll be a prime candidate for the death panels: serious asthma for which I take 3 meds, allergies, and history of respiratory infections and sleep apnea – oh the bureaucrats will love me.
I am grateful, still and always, for modern technology that allows working remotely, for access to good doctors and medicines and the means to pay for it. For living in a country where those things are taken for granted, expected as part of a typical American’s life, and without which we get very impatient and cranky.
When life throws me a curve ball God has taught me to avoid the Why questions and ask instead Lord, What do you want me to learn from this thing? That is infinitely the more useful question. During this illness I was moved to cling to 2Co. 12:9, where the Lord told Paul “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Instead of asking why me, why now, why on a 3 day holiday weekend, why when I have so much do to, why this illness, etc., I found if I simply acknowledged that this is what God is allowing me to go through and there must be a reason I could accept that and have grace for the task at hand or the difficult symptoms of the illness, or both.
Easier said than done, but very doable when you have Jesus on the throne of your heart and His strength to do the work. There was a reason that I have these things written at the top of my page in my prayer lists:
God is more interested in my growth than my accomplishments.
God’s will is not about my plans
Ps 71:14 - I will always have hope
Ps 125:1 - Be unmoved by circumstances
Ph 4:19 - God will supply all my needs.
Lk 1:13 - Never give up, the grace of going on
God is Truth, and He has never failed to keep any of His promises. I found that indeed His grace was sufficient during that hell-week. There was only one day that was particularly hard; I shed lots of tears, started to feel sorry for myself and in general had myself a nice little pity party. When it had subsided, I realized that I had let my focus shift from Christ to circumstances, and when that happens I always get off track. Even as a believer, when I KNOW I’m a child of the King, that I have the joy of my eternal salvation and the knowledge of all my blessings and many answered prayers, that nothing can separate me from God’s love – even with all of that sometimes Satan can crush my spirit, my hope, and start me down the road of despair. Why? Because I take my eyes off the Lord and focus on me instead of what He is doing in me. When I focus too much on me and how badly I feel I become miserable. But when I step out of my pain and pray for others, or just read the Word, His grace IS sufficient. It’s true – try it for yourself and find the freedom that is the life of a Christ follower!
I was reminded anew of the power of prayer, how you can somehow tangibly feel the prayers of God’s people. It is a humbling, amazing thing. I can’t imagine what it would be like to go through life without that.
Toward the end of my bed rest I opened one of my favorite devotionals, Oswald Chambers’ My Utmost for His Highest, and the bookmark was placed at a date about two weeks earlier. I glanced at the next page and knew immediately that God wanted me to read it that day, the day I found it. I couldn’t miss the message intended for me:
The Habit of Enjoying the Disagreeable
Do I manifest the essential sweetness of the Son of God, or the essential irritation of “myself” apart from Him? No matter how disagreeable a thing may be, say: “Lord I am delighted to obey Thee in this matter,” and instantly the Son of God will press to the front, and there will be manifested in my human life that which glorifies Jesus.
… you cannot keep yourself fit to let Him be manifested if you give way to self-pity. It is one thing to choose the disagreeable, and another thing to go into the disagreeable by God’s engineering. If God puts you there, He is amply sufficient.
Other lessons learned. I need to do more of what I do best when it comes to audit time at work – delegate. There are things I can do post-audit to try and improve the billing process now that should help next year at audit time if they are consistently implemented. I need to figure out a pro-active process to identify and correct errors prior to their being tagged in audit. I can hand off more administrative responsibilities to some around me, and I must find a way to make some of that permanent. Our CEO was right to comment in a meeting earlier this year that we have GOOD people at our company. We do. We have done some pruning in the past year and the resulting team is really good and excellent to work with. We will get past the backlash of errors from those who are no longer with us, and I don’t need to let those define our corporate identity in the support staff arena.
And thank God for a blog! It’s been too long since I’ve used it to free up all the stress captured in my body (the best example of which is blog 1 about the Duke Disaster) and I think I may have produced one of my better ones in Nightmare on Audit Street. What a great God we serve – He gives me a love of writing, some talent with which to work, and many avenues to explore the use of this gift. So, onward in health, in writing, and in a life lived out in gratitude to the only One who is worthy.
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